The BAU Poker Tournament
by maxandkiz
Summary: The BAU team minus JJ and Spencer play poker. The loser of each round has to tell their most embarrassing moment. A missing scene from the story Turning Back Time Two shot
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds and all its characters belong to CBS. I own nothing.

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Aaron Hotchner sank down onto the couch and dropped his head in his hands.

Fran walked over and took a seat next to the upset father. "Don't worry Honey. Reid didn't mean what he said. He's just mad." She assured him. "All children put their parents through this at one time or another. I remember when Derek told his dad and I that."

"Mom" Morgan groaned.

"He was five." She continued, ignoring her son's protests. "He was so angry that he decided he was going to run away. So he packed his little back pack and stomped right out the front door. He made it all the way to the corner too."

"That's where you caught him?" Garcia asked.

"Oh no. We didn't catch him." Fran replied. "He sat at the corner for a little while and then turned around and came back home."

Prentiss glanced at her embarrassed friend. "Why didn't you go any further than the corner?" she inquired.

Fran answered once it became clear her son wasn't going to say anything. "He didn't go further because he wasn't allowed to cross the street by himself."

The group burst out laughing.

"That's hilarious!" Penelope exclaimed.

"It's not that funny." Morgan grumbled.

"Uh oh! Somebody's grumpy." Emily sing songed.

"Am not" Derek disagreed.

"You so are!" Garcia crowed.

"Okay ladies that's enough." Aaron warned, not wanting to have another upset profiler on his hands.

"Yeah, cut Morgan some slack." Dave instructed. "I doubt he's the only one that's ever done something like that."

"Alright" Prentiss replied, adding "party pooper" under her breath. "So what do you suggest we do now?"

"How about a few games of poker?" Rossi said. "The loser of each round has to recount an embarrassing childhood moment?"

"I'm in!" Garcia excitedly yelled.

"Me too!" Emily called.

Dave went over to his desk and pulled out a brand new deck of cards. He walked back and reclaimed his seat before breaking the seal and beginning to shuffle the stiff pile of cards. "Okay folks, let's get this party started!" he said as he started passing out the hands.

"I think I'm going to go downstairs and play with the little ones for a while." Fran announced as she stood. "I've never been much of a card player."

"We can teach you." Garcia brightly offered.

"Thank you Honey but I'll have to pass. A game with stakes like that is not the one to try to learn how to play during." Mrs. Morgan explained. "Besides, I want to spend some time with my two little sweethearts."

Aaron smiled. He understood exactly how she felt. "Will you…"

"Don't worry son. I'll make sure your little one is alright." Fran assured the worried father.

"Thank you" Hotch gratefully replied.

"Have fun mama" Derek said, giving his mother a peck on the cheek. Setting the glass jar of peanuts on the coffee table, he pulled a Ziploc bag containing some of Garcia's famous chocolate chip cookies out of his back pocket and covertly handed it to her. "And give them these for me. They should make Short Stuff feel better."

Fran lovingly palmed her son's cheek. "You are going to be a wonderful father someday." She said.

Morgan chuckled. "You're not going to give up, are you?"

"Not until I get my way" Fran cockily stated.

"Morgan, are you playing or not?" Rossi called from the couch.

"I'm coming!" Derek hollered back. Turning to his mother, he said, "I've gotta go. Take good care of Reid for me, alright?"

Fran smiled. "I'll have him giggling in no time." She bragged. "After all, I've had plenty of practice cheering up little ones."

Derek rolled his eyes. "Go on. Get outta here. I've got peanuts to win." He told her. The muscular young man watched his mother saunter out of the room and then walked over and reclaimed his seat. Popping off the top of the peanut jar, he swiftly passed handfuls to all the players.

"Alright everybody, ante up!" Dave ordered, picking up his cards.

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"Read'em and weep!" Emily crowed, laying down her hand.

Garcia looked at her opponent's cards and groaned. "Three kings!" she muttered. "Oh fudge! I only have two threes and two twos."

"YES!" Morgan shouted, grinning wider than the Cheshire Cat as he pumped his fist. "Out with it, Baby Girl! Let's hear that most embarrassing moment!"

Penelope glared at her chocolate Adonis. "Don't sound so happy about it." she huffed.

"I can't help it. I just love hearing stories about you." Derek explained, propping his head on his hand and smiling at the bubbly blond.

"I think I'm gonna be sick." Prentiss mumbled.

"No getting off track. Come on Garcia. Spill." Aaron commanded.

Penelope sighed. "Alright, here goes." She said. Grabbing a green throw pillow from beside her, she hugged it to her chest and began. "When I was fifteen, a new family moved in across the street from my house. The mother and hot looking father had two kids; a cute little eight year old girl and a sixteen year old boy who was the most gorgeous hunk you've ever laid your eyes on."

"What?!" Morgan huffed. "I thought you said I was the most gorgeous hunk you'd ever laid eyes on."

"I did." Garcia replied. "You're the most gorgeous hunk of man. Jared was the most gorgeous hunk of a teenage boy."

"In other words; you're old." Emily teased, snickering at the affronted look on her friend's face. "Now shut up and let her finish. I wanna hear this."

"Go ahead, kitten." Dave urged.

Penelope nodded. "Okay" she said. "Well, all the girls were after him from the moment he set foot in the high school. He was tall and muscular and, and…" she paused, gazing dreamily off into space.

"Garcia!" Prentiss called, nudging her friend.

"What?" Penelope stammered, snapping out of her trance. "Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah! All the girls wanted him and some of them even went to great lengths to get him, too. But none of them managed to land him. See, he was this sweet little, laid back country boy. He didn't care about the in crowd or anything like that. He was nice to everyone; even the so called geeks."

"So" Emily prodded.

"Yeah, get to the point, Baby Girl." Morgan seconded.

"Alright, alright" Garcia grumbled. "Well, when my friend and I walked into church that next Sunday and saw him sitting a few of rows behind my family, we were naturally thrilled. We both figured since he didn't give two hoots about popularity, that we might just have a chance. So, we hurried to the bathroom and prettied ourselves up and then started down the aisle. We strutted past pew after pew, doing our best to look confident and sexy. We walked right past him without looking his way and we could feel his eyes boring into our backs. Everything was going great until we went by the pew Mrs. Ayers always sat in. As I hurried past, the strap of my pocketbook caught on the edge of the pew. I must have been going faster than I thought because it yanked me backwards. I ended up on the floor with Jared's whole family staring at me. I was so embarrassed I jumped up and ran out of the church."

Morgan roared with laughter, picturing the scene. "Th-that's *snicker* that's *chuckle*…" he got out between laughs.

"Awesome!" Prentiss filled in, wiping the tears out of her eyes.

Penelope's pout quickly morphed into a grin. "I guess it is a little funny." She agreed.

"A little?" Aaron chuckled.

"Okay, a lot" Garcia relented. "But I bet it's not half as funny as some of yours."

Rossi smirked. "Why don't we find out?" he suggested. Gathering the cards, he began to shuffle them. "Everybody ready for round two?"

Emily's "Oh yeah" was followed with Morgan's "Definitely".

"Alright then, ante up!" Dave instructed.

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"No way! You cheated!" Morgan shouted a short time later.

"Did not" Emily smugly shot back. "I'm just that good. Now pay up. Your most embarrassing moment was…"

"You already heard mine." Derek fibbed, crossing his fingers behind his back.

"Oh, no you don't. You can't use a story we've already heard." Aaron argued. "Besides there's no way running away at five was the most embarrassing event in your life."

"He's right, my Stud Muffin." Penelope chimed in.

"Come on Morgan. Start talking before I call your mama up here." Prentiss threatened.

"Fine" Morgan grumbled, holding up his hands in surrender. "Here it is. This one time my mom got really sick. The doctor had given her a prescription but she'd felt so bad that she hadn't been able to make the drive to the pharmacy. So she called her friend, Sierra and asked her if she minded driving me to get it. Sierra was a beautiful lady. I was always trying to impress her when she came over so going somewhere with her was a dream come true to me."

"You wanted to impress a lady? I'm shocked." Emily deadpanned.

Derek rolled his eyes. "Anyway, Sierra comes and I jump in her cherry red Trans Am and she drives me to the pharmacy. I went in, got the prescription, and walked back out of the store. Spotting a couple of my buddies, I strode over to car and waved at my home boys. Then I climbed into the red Trans Am and turned to find myself face to face with this huge muscle man."

"You, you mean you got in, in…"

Morgan nodded. "I got in the wrong Trans Am." He admitted, sighing as laughter filled the room. "You know I'm not sure which was worse; getting in the car with that guy or Sierra's reaction to it. She laughed all the way home."

Several minutes later, Garcia finally found her voice. "You, you've definitely got me beat." She stammered.

"Yeah and I'm betting those two" Emily gestured to the other men in the room. "have even more embarrassing stories."

"What makes you say that?" Morgan curiously asked.

"They've folded every hand so far." Prentiss pointed out.

"I folded because I had a crap hand." Dave fibbed.

"Sure you did" Emily scoffed.

Garcia's eyes lit up. "Oooo! I wanna know what they're hiding!" she exclaimed. "Quick! Somebody deal!"

"You've got it, Baby Girl." Derek replied. Snatching the cards out of Rossi's hand, the younger man swiftly shuffled the deck and passed the cards out.

The group picked up their cards and the next round began.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds and all its characters belong to CBS. I own nothing.

Previously on Criminal Minds: The group picked up their cards and the next round began.

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"Ahh!" Garcia grumbled, slamming her cards onto the table after her third straight loss. "This isn't working! We're never going to hear anyone else's story at this rate! I think we need a slight revision to the rules."

"Whatcha got in mind, Baby Girl?" Morgan questioned.

Emily scooped up the cards and began shuffling before turning to stare at the aggravated tech analyst. "Yeah, what kind of revision are you talking about?" she asked.

Penelope grinned at the worried looking group. "I say from now on if the loser has already told their story, they get to pick a person to tell theirs."

"But what about the winner? Wasn't not telling our embarrassing moment the whole reason for winning?" Prentiss pointed out.

"Oh, the winner will still be off limits." Garcia assured. "The loser has to pick someone who folded."

"No, no way" Rossi adamantly stated, drowning out Derek's "I like it."

"How about we put it to a vote?" Aaron suggested, knowing with his, Dave's, and Emily's no votes the revision wouldn't stand a chance.

"Okie dokie" Penelope agreed. "All in favor…Opposed...The rule change wins three to one!"

Hotch and Rossi glared over at a smirking Emily. "Prentiss, what are Earth made you agree?" the BAU leader curiously inquired.

"Who's won every game so far?" Emily smugly answered.

Dave snatched the deck of cards away from the overly confident woman and handed them to Hotch to pass out. "Just remember what the good book says about pride" he warned.

"Uh huh" Emily muttered, giving an exaggerated fake yawn.

With that the players picked up their cards and the game was on!

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"Read'em and weep! A full house, jacks over tens!" Prentiss triumphantly announced, reaching for the pot of peanuts.

"Not so fast Ms. Priss" Rossi said, smiling like the cat that ate the canary. "I do believe I have the winning hand this time." He laid down his cards, revealing four Aces.

Emily's jaw almost hit the table. "You, you" she sputtered, pointing at the snickering man. "You cheated!"

"I did nothing of the sort." Dave indignantly replied. "My win is due to one thing and one thing only; good old fashioned luck. Nothing more."

"It, it can't…"

Penelope nudged her stunned friend. "Em, hon stop for a minute and take a breath." She instructed. When the raven haired beauty did just that, Garcia smiled and patted her hand consolingly. "This is just a friendly game, remember? Rossi wouldn't cheat; not in a room full of profilers. He couldn't anyway. He didn't have control of the deck. Hotch did."

"Yeah Emily quit being a sore loser." Morgan prodded.

"I'll show you a sore loser." Prentiss growled before lunging at Derek and attempting to whop him in the head.

Morgan easily side stepped the move. Striking back, he swiftly grabbed her, putting her in a head lock. "Awww, look at the poor little…WHOA! Girl, watch where you're kicking!"

"Morgan, let me go or so help me I'll…"

"Children" Hotch sternly warned, pinning the two with his infamous inquisitor glare.

Morgan immediately released Prentiss and slunk back into his chair. "Sorry Emily" he softly mumbled.

"Me too" Prentiss replied, plopping onto her seat.

Dave stifled a laugh at the matching 'scolded little kid' expressions on the two adults' faces. Wanting to keep the situation from escalating again, he said, "Okay, now that that's settled, let's get to the good part." He looked at Prentiss. "Your embarrassing story, please"

"Fine" Emily huffed, crossing her arms. "It happened my first year of middle school. I was…"

"Stop right there. You agreed to tell your most embarrassing moment and whatever tale you were about to weave for us, wasn't it." Aaron accused, giving Prentiss a pointed look.

The 'hand in the cookie jar' expression that briefly passed over Emily's face proved his point.

"You sly dog" Morgan uttered.

"Em you weren't really going to tell us a fake story, were you?" Garcia questioned.

Emily sighed at the Penelope version of a hangdog look. "No Pen, I wouldn't do that to you." she replied, trying her best to sound sincere.

Garcia immediately brightened. "Super!" she exclaimed. "Go on then; give us your most embarrassing moment and don't leave out a single detail."

Seeing the wolfish grins on the men's faces had Prentiss wishing she'd never agreed to play this little game. Her worst moment was not one she ever intended sharing. But now she had no choice. Squaring her shoulders, Emily looked the group in the eye and began her tale. "It happened about a month before my sixteenth birthday. I had gotten stuck in this drama class and we were putting on our first big production. I managed to luck out and get a job backstage so I figured it wouldn't be that bad and it wasn't; at least not until opening night." She sighed. "See, one of the other stage hands and I had managed to get close during all those practices and we were ready to take our relationship to the next level so to speak. Only my place was out and his parents were almost as bad as my mother which left us with nowhere to get it on."

"Oooo!" Penelope squealed. "The plot thickens!"

"Garcia" Aaron warned.

"Oh sorry!" Pen apologized. "I'll just be quiet now so you can finish."

Taking a deep breath, Emily went back to her tale. "Lazlo and I decided to wait till the after party the lead actor was throwing. Or at least I thought we had. Turns out Lazlo had other ideas. Opening night I helped the actresses get ready and did the million other things assigned to me. I had just sat down to relax for a few minutes when Lazlo came rushing up to me all excited. He said he'd found the perfect place for us to be alone. Being a hot blooded teenager of course I was all too eager to go with him so I followed him down this narrow backstage hallway to a doorway I'd never seen before. He opened the door and we walked into what looked like a long forgotten closet or maybe the world's smallest storage room. It wasn't the most appealing place but at the time neither one of us cared. We just smiled at each other and started stripping. Clothes flew everywhere; there wasn't time for any folding or anything like that. And then we, ummm, we, well you know."

"Did the nasty?" Morgan filled in.

Emily threw her friend a withering glare. "There was nothing nasty about Lazlo. Trust me." She refuted before continuing. "Now where was I before I was so rudely interrupted? Oh yeah, so we're in the middle of doing the deed when we hear footsteps coming down the hall and our drama coach calling for us. We both freaked out of course. We looked around the room for a place to hide but we didn't see anything except for a closet door. Figuring we both wouldn't fit, Lazlo told me to hide in there while he led the teacher away. I agreed. I gave him a quick peck on the cheek and started for my clothes. I only made it a couple of steps before there was a knock on the door. Needless to say, I forgot all about my clothing. I rushed across the room, yanked open the closet door, and dashed inside. Only it wasn't a closet; it was a doorway onto the stage."

Morgan sniggered. "You mean, you, you…"

"Flashed the entire audience" Prentiss finished. "Yeah, pretty much"

Laughter erupted from the group. The next several minutes were filled with giggles, chuckles, and guffaws as the agents imagined their friend on what was probably the worst night of her life. Once they'd gotten themselves back under control, they looked at the blushing beauty.

"That's the best story yet." Dave said, wiping the tears from his eyes.

"It won't be for long." Emily taunted as she picked up the cards and began to shuffle. "Yours is bound to top mine."

"Unfortunately for you, you'll never know." Rossi tossed back.

"Keep dreaming old man" Morgan muttered. "We are so taking you down!"

"Put up or shut up" Dave fired back.

"You got it" Prentiss replied. She swiftly dealt the cards. "Everybody ante up!"

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"Oh fudge!" Penelope exclaimed. "I lost again! I'm just no good at this game!"

"That may be true, Pen but in this case that's a good thing. Losing means you get to choose the next story teller, remember?" Emily said.

"Oh! That's right!" Garcia excitedly shouted. She glanced between Hotch and Rossi. "Let's see, whose story should we hear next? Ummm, ummm, I pick…Rossi!"

Dave grimaced. "Thanks a lot kitten" he grumbled, running a hand across his face. He settled back in his chair and blew out a breath. "Okay, here goes. A week before I started sixth grade, my family moved to a bigger place that was closer to my father's family. I wasn't very happy about it but I didn't have much choice either. My father said move, we moved. Anyway, with the week of summer I had left I made a few friends and had some fun. Then school started and my good times ended. I went to a Catholic school and the nun I got stuck with for homeroom and literature was one of the strictest, most hateful women I've ever met. Sister Gladys had taught my older cousin Marco, who was a huge troublemaker. He lived to cause a ruckus. Well, as soon as Sister Gladys heard my last name and made the connection, she made my life Hell. She jumped on me for the least little thing. The witch went so far as to take a ruler to me for coughing too loud."

"Coughing too loud?" Aaron repeated.

Rossi nodded. "The witch had it in for me and she let me know it at every opportunity; even calling me Marco instead of David. By the end of the first week, I'd had more than enough. I decided if she was going to pin me as a trouble maker, I'd just have to live up to her expectations. So the next week, I did anything and everything I could think of to drive the battle axe nuts. And it worked, too. The old bat was so flustered after a couple of days that she couldn't talk to the class without stuttering. I, on the other hand, was having a ball. I felt like I was king of the world."

"But?" Emily prodded.

"But the king forgot about one teeny tiny thing…his old man. Sister Gladys went to Mother Superior who in turn called my father and filled him in on my little crime spree. Needless to say he wasn't thrilled. I was sentenced to my room while he came up with what he called 'an appropriate punishment'. I waited all weekend for him to come lay into me but he didn't so much as darken my door. I didn't see him until Monday morning. When he walked into my room and informed me that he was walking me to school that day, I knew I was in trouble. My father was known for his creative punishments so him going to school with me meant it was about to hit the fan. And I was right. My dad marched me into my homeroom five minutes after the bell rang. He stood me in front of the class, forced me to apologize to them for disrupting their learning, and then he shoved me over to Sister Gladys' desk and made me apologize to her, too."

"That's your embarrassing story?" Morgan scoffed.

"Would you let me finish?" Dave growled. Turning back to the others, he said, "The whole time I'm apologizing to Old Hateful I was thinking I'd gotten off easy. I really should have known better though. As soon as I finished my spiel, my father dragged me over to the front of the room and ordered me to face the board. My old man glanced back at my classmates, told them that this is what would happen to anymore troublemakers, and then turned around, dropped my drawers, and blistered my ass with his belt."

"Dang!" Derek muttered.

"That's not all." Rossi said. "When he was through, he told me I was to remain there the rest of the school day. And he gave the sister permission to light up my behind every hour to remind me and all the other kids of the consequences causing trouble would bring."

Everyone sat stunned for a moment, absorbing the disturbing tale. Emily was the first to find her voice. "Did it deter the trouble makers?"

"Hell no! We just learned to be sneakier." Dave answered with a grin. "She couldn't punish anyone if she didn't have a clue which one of us did it."

Morgan barked out a laugh. "Rossi, the bad boy! Who would've guessed?"

"He doesn't really fit the image, does he?" Aaron remarked, a smile breaking over his face.

"Ha ha, laugh it up while you can. Your time's coming." Rossi warned.

"We'll see." Hotch replied, picking up his cards. Studying his hand, he hoped for a sudden winning streak. His story wasn't one he wished to tell.

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Aaron groaned when Rossi beat Emily for a second time. The jig was up and he knew it.

"Alright Boss Man, out with it," Prentiss crowed.

Hotch nodded. "My worst moment didn't happen until my first case as a lawyer. It was a murder case and the accused was a well-liked business man from the town. People's opinions were split as to his guilt or innocence which didn't make my job any easier. Add to that the fact that I was trying the case in front of one of my father's oldest and dearest friends and you have a pressure filled situation. I worked day and night on my arguments and questioning trying to make sure they were perfect. I was so nervous. And that did nothing but upset my stomach. By the week before the trial I felt like my stomach was tied in knots. The morning of the first day I thought I was going to be sick but I knew missing opening arguments was out of the question so I pushed the queasy feeling aside and drove to the courthouse. Once I sat down at the prosecutor's table, I started to feel a little better. The nausea lessened the more time went by and I was actually feeling alright by the time we started."

"What happened to change that?" Dave asked.

"I stood up." Aaron bluntly answered. Seeing the confused expressions on his friends' faces, he elaborated. "When I got up to deliver my opening argument, I noticed that I didn't feel sick anymore; I felt bloated. I didn't think much about it. After all, it was no big deal or so I thought. I managed to round the table and say about half a sentence before my insides had had enough and I, I, broke wind."

"That's it?" Morgan grumbled, even as he grinned at the thought of his straight laced boss passing gas in front of an audience.

"No, I'm afraid it gets worse." Hotch replied. "I paused momentarily and then went right back into my argument. I was determined to ignore what had happened. Unfortunately for me, my stomach wasn't quite through. Every step I took released another round. It didn't take long for the chuckling to start. After a couple of minutes, the judge couldn't take it anymore. He sent me out to and I quote, "Take care of business". He attempted to keep a straight face but when I turned and walked to the door, serenading them the whole way, he couldn't keep it together anymore. He burst out laughing, joining the rest of the courtroom in a giggling fit."

Aaron's four friends rolled at the story and the look on their chief's face. Both were hilarious! They'd never expected to hear a story like that come out of their straight laced boss' mouth.

"What's so funny?" JJ asked as she walked into the room.

"Nothing" Aaron answered just a little too quickly. "We were just reminiscing about some of our recent trips." The look he gave his companions dared them to contradict him.

"Yeah" Rossi agreed. Wanting to distract the curious woman before she could discover their secrets, he added, "Where are the boys?"

"Downstairs on the couch" JJ replied. "They want to watch a movie and they said they wanted their family to come watch it with them. They're refusing to start it until you guys get down there."

"Well then, let's not keep them waiting." Dave stated.

Abandoning their cards and winnings, the BAU family headed to the play room to spend some time with their littlest family members. Everything else could wait.

The End


End file.
